Real Men Don't Make Sandwiches
by An English Education
Summary: How a well-constructed sandwich brings together two unlucky and unlikely souls: one the prince of a dead race who has bound himself to Earth for honor; the other a lowly monk who just can't seem to catch a break. A comedy, mostly.
1. Prologue

_Real Men Don't Make Sandwiches _by An English Education

**Summary: **How a well-constructed sandwich brings together two unlucky and unlikely souls: one the prince of a dead race who's bound himself to Earth for honor; the other a lowly monk who can't seem to catch a break. A comedy, mostly.

**Author's Note: **This story exists within a slight AU. After turning Super Saiyan on Namek, Goku killed Frieza after defeating him at 100% power instead of giving him enough energy to survive. This means that a mechanized Frieza never came to Earth; instead, King Cold came to the planet alone and was promptly killed by Trunks. This story takes place between Trunks' warning about the androids as well as Goku's heart condition and the arrival of Androids 19 and 20 in South City. I started writing this because I've always been fond of "odd couple" friendship stories, and I personally believe Vegeta's way more of a weirdo than he lets on and would complement Krillin (who I personally believe is much smarter and troubled than he lets on) quite nicely if a situation forced them to be in the same room on a consistent basis. This is that situation. Enjoy.

* * *

PROLOGUE

If there is one thing not many (living) people know about Prince Vegeta – and wish they had when begging for their lives – is, while the Prince judges the worthiness of a race first by its strongest warrior, its cuisine comes in a surprisingly close second. It's a trait Vegeta picked up from Frieza when Vegeta was young, which is the reason why he hasn't advertised it (or much else about himself) to anyone in a long time. The last two people to know such a thing were his former servants: Raditz, who only seemed to find hilarious when the Prince was not around, said it was poetic to eat meals prepared by the same people they were about to massacre; while Nappa, thanks to his sometimes cultish loyalty to the crown, learned how to determine a good dish from a bad one through _smell. _Vegeta wouldn't have believed it either if he hadn't eaten the results.

Frieza knew too, but Vegeta has never considered him a person, so it's hard to include him. When Frieza learned about it, he had a feast prepared so he could bring King Cold and Cooler by and show them just how "precious" his little Saiyan Prince was, picking up Frieza's eating habits like that, but oh, don't worry, this childish trait would be beaten out of him soon. Frieza would make a good solider out of him even though his race couldn't even survive a small meteorite.

This was around the time that Vegeta started having vivid dreams where he'd pin Frieza against his throne, suffocating him with balled-up Volcor shit while screaming, "Oh look, the Great Lord Frieza sure likes _shanopa, _doesn't he? Isn't he just PRECIOUS? Look at him just TAKING ALL THAT PRECIOUS _SHANOPA _DOWN HIS LITTLE PRECIOUS THROAT! But don't worry, Daddy, don't worry. I'll make a good little BITCH OUTTA HIM!"

Though the dreams were disturbing even by Vegeta's standards, they made him love good food all the more.

Vegeta grew up, though, and realized in his early adolescence that killing Frieza with food was really stupid, so he trained. Trained until his bones broke and his hands bled and his muscles ripped. He'd lock himself in the training rooms for days, sweating so much that his body stopped flushing impurities and moved to water instead. And during those moments when he'd grasp for life and hang onto it only through pure force of will, he would see his mother swaying through the room, humming a melody he can't remember that's replaced with a monotone vibration similar to that of white noise. He would stumble after her, falling over himself to catch the trail of her gown, but it always dissolved through his fingers. Then, just as he felt his final breath, she would whip around like the scythe of Death and engulf him in warmth. When he was younger, he'd give in and find himself in a healing tank days later with a craving for twelve course meals. But adolescence made his anger coat his veins like the stiffness of a new leather jacket, so he started pushing her away, waking up in the healing tank anyway, and later eating only raw meat so he could see the blood spill from his mouth, down his armor, and onto his lap and plate.

This hatred would consume him until the end of his days, and Frieza, who knew a wild animal when he saw one, released him into the universe in the name of empirical expansion.

He was unstoppable. He never lost a fight. Not against those ingrates in the Northern Galaxies, anyway. He and his fellow Saiyans devoured entire world, preparing them with the blood of their inhabitants and the salt of their conquest, cooking them with the energy that dominated the Saiyans' entire beings and made their muscles scream for more. But Vegeta's gut burned just as much as his lust for blood, and to make their trips less routine, the Saiyans would sometimes kill enough people to attract the planet's strongest warrior and eat really damn good food while waiting for him to get there. Some planets had such delicacies that Vegeta would beat down the warrior and bring Frieza the cook instead. Frieza would bitch and moan until he tasted the food, then quietly give the cook a position in the royal kitchen.

Those were the days when Vegeta felt an honest connection with his only subjects left, the two men who would (as far as he knew) help him restore the Saiyan Throne. Vegeta had plans once he surpassed the legend itself and became Super Saiyan – plans that spanned far past any empire Cold had ever ruled and Frieza had ever grasped. But when engaged in combat day in and day out with these men, he became synonymous with them, their bid for glory the same heartbeat. It was only there that he felt in control of himself, even when he was doing Frieza's doing.

Vegeta has always been his own, though. The moment he learned of a tangible way to put Frieza and his family six feet under and restore his father's empire, he abandoned them. It was not honorable, but revenge this deep never could be. He grieved not for Raditz, his right-hand and confidant; nor Kakarot, the lost Saiyan child Vegeta had cried over when he first learned of his existence and later whose cold hands he intended to pry the Dragon Balls from; nor Nappa, who had cared for him when he was young, whose loyalty some days was the only thing that reminded Vegeta that he was a prince at all, because Nappa was weak and had no place in Vegeta's new world. Vegeta came to Earth to take and destroy, leaving the planet in a spiral of dust to signify his first victory as intergalactic lord.

But here he is. On Earth. For a second time. Earth wasn't supposed to exist for there to be a second time, but things never go as planned for Vegeta, something he only admits to himself late at night when the ache in his muscles makes him blasphemous. He had been taken in like a wounded dog that had bit its owner but had not been put down out of pity. His pride had died here the moment Kakarot had leapt from that fluffy yellow cloud (how embarrassing) and had downright buried itself when he agreed to stay and help destroy the androids, but its rebirth mulled on this planet just as strongly. Defeat Kakarot. Kill his weird friends. Make it so something _made sense in the universe again. _They are even _helping _him become stronger. The sheer insanity of this causes Vegeta to ponder more than he likes to and makes his food not digest as well.

It is because of all of this that when Vegeta truly meets Krillin for the first time, he doesn't kill him on principle.


	2. 1 - OKAY THEN

1 OKAY THEN

It starts as a search for the Briefs' lunchtime cook, who over the past few days has become better at hiding from Vegeta than Vegeta is at finding him. Most humans, Vegeta's learned, have such insignificant energy levels that he finds himself confronting trees instead of people here at Capsule Corps, which annoys him greatly. Before being bound to Earth, Vegeta always had _some _underling to do his bidding, and it's moments like these that he almost wishes he hadn't killed Nappa. Almost.

It has only been a week since the purple-haired Saiyan brought news of everyone's deaths by strange robotic people, but Vegeta couldn't care less. When they bust out of whatever contraption they're in, he'll crush them before Kakarot can even power up. Vegeta has a reputation to regain, after all. (And yes, he does believe the Saiyan child because Vegeta's culture was built on myths and prophecies, and the kid coming to warn about such specific events is prophecy enough for him). No, he's more concerned about Kakarot, who, when he crashed back onto Earth, gave Vegeta little more than a, "Hey, how are ya, buddy?" before blasting off to prepare for enemies he just heard about. Personally, Vegeta had never been more insulted in his life, and that's saying something. So now he's back to the whole locking-himself-in-the-training-room-for-days routine, only this time with no healing tank and apparently no cook to fix food for him.

Vegeta's already wasted fifteen minutes looking for him. The Briefs have a formal kitchen that surely has cooks he can harass, but Bulma and him had somehow agreed that he should stay in the back side of the house where the servants' old corridors are. Vegeta doesn't want to deal with any humans he doesn't have to, and Bulma doesn't want to deal with him, so it works out. The place is now being used as more of a guest section anyway, often to serve those at the pool parties who need a bathroom or a quick bite to eat. Vegeta has eaten here since the day he arrived, and he's too set in his ways to change that now.

He checks to make sure that the cook hasn't buried himself in the coat closet again, but the cook's not even pretending to be the vacuum cleaner this time, so Vegeta gives up. Not because Vegeta can't find him, of course. It's just that he didn't consider the cook to be worth this much of his time. That's it. So he makes his way back to the kitchen to wait. The workers have to sneak through this part of the mansion to get to the yard, so he should be able to snatch one of them and berate them enough to at least get a sandwich before they ran out in tears.

When he enters the kitchen, though, he finds Krillin and suddenly wishes he had dedicated more time to finding the cook.

Krillin's smaller than Vegeta remembers and apparently _stupider _because he's using a stool to reach the upper cabinets instead of flying. The tropical shirt Krillin's wearing is insulting even to Vegeta and is the only reason Vegeta noticed him in the first place. The khaki shorts he's wearing are much too big (in all likelihood Goku's) and are hoisted up by a belt that looks like it fought a hurricane or three and lost. Vegeta doesn't look much better: he might as well be wearing a Speedo.

"Oh, um… hey," Krillin says. While he's definitely startled, he's not as startled as he should be. He goes back to savaging for ingredients as though Vegeta had never entered the room at all.

If there's one thing Vegeta hates, it's not being given his dues. When, over the course of their so-called relationship, had Vegeta turned from a fear-inspiring demigod to a person you could just ignore when he walked into a kitchen. Especially when it's this idiot, who not too long ago couldn't even speak Vegeta's name without spitting all over himself? If anything, the fact that Vegeta lives in _any sort of vicinity of him _should've inspired more fear, not less of it! What does Earth do to people? What has Earth done to him? Was Vegeta even brought back to life at all? He's starting to doubt it. Maybe he even died on the way to Earth. Or maybe he's in a coma on Frieza Planet No. Whatever and is making all of this up. He does have an overactive imagination, though usually it works more in his favor and lots of people he hates are dead. Like the dwarf. The dwarf should be dead. So should Kakarot. And his mutt. And the woman who gave him that pink shirt to wear – you know what, Vegeta thinks, let's kill him. Let's see if this isn't just another vivid dream. He disrespected me, even dream people don't disrespect –

"Um… do you wanna sandwich?"

Vegeta blinks. What's the idiot whining about? Food? Oh. His stomach's urgent growling wins over his sudden bloodlust, though not by much. He knocks back his usual seat at the kitchen's murky blue table and drops into it. He waits, and when Krillin makes no move to prepare the thing, Vegeta says, "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Krillin jumps (much better), and while he's more finicky than he had been before, his search seems more intentional as he tosses out ingredients and shoves them into order. Ignoring Krillin's frantic search, Vegeta puts his cheek in his hand and looks past the kitchen, through the sliding glass doors, and out to a pool he has no desire to jump into. Now, what would be the best way to do this? A shot through the head? Efficient, satisfying even, but uninventive. Suffocation? Also efficient, _really satisfying, _but time-consuming. It also requires Vegeta to get up close and personal with Krillin, which doesn't sound pleasant. It would be nice to strangle one of the major contributors to Vegeta's recent streak of failures, though. Eh, he had a sandwich to scruff down before he has to decide. Drowning?

Meanwhile, Krillin prepares a sandwich he's made a million times before.

It doesn't look like much, Vegeta thinks when it's set before him on a chipped glass plate. It's a mess of meats and cheeses that make it unnecessarily bulky like one of those sandwiches served in a café with the pick with the olive through it. Vegeta's never been to a café though so he wouldn't know. To him, it looks pathetic, as though the sandwich is ashamed of its own existence. Might as well put it out of his misery.

(By the way, Vegeta's decided that a shot through the head's sufficient because he doesn't want to make it seem as though Krillin's inconvenienced him _that _much).

He bites into the sandwich. More like shoves it into his mouth, really. No need to respect something so sloppily made, after all.

But then Vegeta tastes it. He didn't mean to – despite all those twelve course meals, Vegeta has also had his share of gruel over the years and knows how to vacuum food when he needs to. But he chews, just a little, to force it down a little easier. And it's good. Really good. So good that he forgets just about everything that has ever made him angry. Earth? Fuck it. Frieza? Fuck him. Kakarot? Who's he again? God, this sandwich is fantastic! Vegeta doesn't know any of Earth's animals, but he knows meat and now understands that Earth has some pretty tasty shit. Oh, and the dwarf can cook. Isn't that a novelty? Never did Vegeta think he'd find Krillin useful for anything, but Vegeta never can predict things accurately these days.

Suddenly, shooting Krillin seems like a lot more trouble than it's worth.

As Vegeta downs his sandwich like a crazed animal, Krillin rushes to put his sandwich together and attempts to sneak out of the kitchen. It's not necessarily because of Vegeta (though he _is _a good enough reason); it's just that Krillin's had a strange, _strange _week since Goku got back and wants to avoid it getting any more out of hand.

But Vegeta has other plans. Mainly getting another sandwich.

He does so by snatching Krillin's. Vegeta's owed the universe, but he accepts the sandwich. It's a start.

Krillin stares at the plate as though his food spontaneously ate itself while he wasn't looking. Goku had a tendency to ask for the first few of Krillin's sandwiches whenever Krillin made them, but the point is that he asked; Vegeta took this one like it was his birthright.

"Um," Krillin says.

"Another," Vegeta replies between bites.

Okay then.

Krillin drags himself back to the counter and proceeds to assemble the third sandwich to the consistent rumble of his stomach. Soon it's made, then another; and after pushing Vegeta's sandwich across the table on another plate, Krillin hesitantly sits down across from him only because he's afraid leaving will prompt another theft and there isn't enough meat left to fill any extra orders. He thinks about licking his sandwich before he starts in on it, but Vegeta probably wouldn't understand the gesture even if he did. (Krillin used to do this back when he was a kid and Goku was especially ravenous and Krillin was especially desperate). Krillin instead takes a bite just as Vegeta's reaching for his third sandwich and, when Vegeta seems satisfied with or at least inattentive to Krillin's action, settles in a little more contently into his chair.

Meanwhile, Vegeta's just as enthralled with this sandwich as he was with the last two prior. Okay, so there's a light meat and a really good crunchy meat as well as what he thinks is cheese and a bunch of vegetables he doesn't know the names of but plans to demand answers about so he can force such a sandwich out of the missing cook. Or he could just forgo that and make sure the idiot makes more. The sandwich is soon gone, though, and as the last bite slides down Vegeta's throat, his mood goes with it. What was he doing before this? Killing Krillin? He's there, sitting across from him, having only eaten a fourth of his sandwich and doing his best to avoid eye contact. No, no, that's been (temporarily) axed. Training to defeat Kakarot and restore sanity to the universe? Yeah, that's it.

Vegeta stands up, startling Krillin's mouthful nearly onto his plate. "Have more in two hours," he says.

"Um," Krillin says.

Vegeta leaves.

Okay then.

* * *

Two hours pass, and the ache in Vegeta's muscles allows him to let down his guard enough to admit to himself that he's pleasantly surprised that he finds Krillin in the kitchen with six sandwiches already prepared. He's at the counter preparing a seventh, but the way the plate with the others is presented and pushed towards Vegeta's usual seat, it's most likely for Krillin himself. He's still for some reason standing on the stool, which annoys Vegeta greatly, but the moment Vegeta sits down and takes his first bite, nothing annoys him anymore. Krillin could become a stool for all he cared.

Krillin finishes making his sandwich and decides hesitantly to join Vegeta again. The Saiyan Prince hadn't chopped off his head last time he did so and partaking of food with Vegeta twice in one day seems to be the perfect punch line to the day he's had, so if doing so will make this day into a joke, he's willing to risk it. He raises his sandwich to his lips, and soon the two are in the strange, somewhat awkward silence they were two hours ago, except it's longer because there's six sandwiches to get through instead of three.

Until Vegeta, between his third and fourth sandwich, harshly says, "You live here or what?"

"What? Oh, uh, yeah," Krillin replies. He's startled and honestly surprised that he was able to reply so quickly. "Temporarily, anyway."

He waits, sandwich in hand, for some sort of response, but soon it's apparent that Vegeta might as well have never asked the question at all. He's all about the sandwiches again, and for a moment Krillin thinks he imagined it. The silence is completely awkward now though, and Krillin feels the need to fill it. "I, uh, actually live on an island usually." A quick pause. "With Goku and my martial arts master, and a, uh, you know, turtle. Um, a turtle has a shell and, um, flippers and yeah. Oh, and a pig. You're actually eating pig, um."

Vegeta looks down at his fourth sandwich and with some interest says, "Pig," before continuing his meal.

Krillin finds himself more amused by the response than he should be. "Heh, yeah." He settles a bit more into his seat. "Well, anyway, the pump that brings, you know, fresh water to the house? It broke last night, so it's gonna take a few weeks to fix. I'm staying here and, uh, they're," he becomes noticeably quieter, "all staying at Goku's."

He's expecting the natural "Why aren't you?" to come, but when Vegeta makes no move to reply in the slightest, Krillin learns he likes Vegeta more than he thought.

Vegeta's soon done and shoves the plate back to Krillin, who's on his last two or three bites. He gets up to leave (gods, he needs a shower) and on the way out of the kitchen says, "Seven a.m. tomorrow."

Before Krillin can protest, he's gone.

Okay then.


End file.
